Twitterversary; of twitter, depression and self realization

It was an ordinary,lazy Saturday. I wasn't really feeling too good about myself when an email just randomly popped up out of nowhere, reminding me that it was my twitterversary . This time last year, I joined twitter. Which was right before I fell into an incredible depression. I can't help but wonder at what a huge difference there is between me now, and me last year. Last year I was a sad, depressed, confused teenager battling an emotional behavioral disorder who wished she was dead. Last year I found out what 'thinspo' was and had an obsession with one direction(the boys, not so much the music) that literally consumed me, the remnants of which are manifested in a giant crush on Harry Styles. The sad thing is its not really him I want... he's just a face that I use when imagining the guy I really want. Anyway, back to last year's version of me.... She was a hopeless creature, filled with sadness & traumatized by the horrors of her past. So much so that she could never move on. Last year's me was terrified at the idea of a mirror in her room because the thought of looking at herself everyday, her demons, terrified her. She thought looking at them would bring them to life until they consumed her and took away whatever sanity she had left. She was so self conscious, so afraid of what everyone thought of her that she opened another, separate, twitter account to be morbid, and express her sad and depressed thoughts on. Even though the first one was filled with strangers who weren't even on the same continent as her. She was pitiful, starving herself so she could change herself. Her hatred for herself ran so deep that she despised the very soul that was in her. The saddest thing is that no one cared, there was literally no love in her life, and no friends either, there had never been friends in her life, not real ones anyway. Just people who took whatever money she had and used it for their own benefit, or who used her like their own personal porter, and she was o.k with that because deep down all she ever wanted was a friend. Some one who knew her, because no one had ever known her or even cared to, not even she made the effort to get to know herself because if no one wanted to, then what was the point? Why should she bother? It obviously wasn't worth it, so she settled. All her life, letting herself get stepped on, manipulated and used. She was nothing but a means to an end to any one, not her parents, siblings, "friends", or even herself. She didn't know how to stop, it's how she'd been raised.... she was so empty. The only time she ever stood up for herself was to prevent herself from getting raped or rather defiled, by her mother's boyfriend. She was only 13 and even then no one would put her first, not even if 'putting her first' meant kicking out the man that tried to force himself on, and constantly hit on your 13 year old daughter, even in your presence. No, she wasn't worth that, and instead of compassion she got hatred; beatings, both physical and emotional abuse, humiliation and so much more. These were the memories that plagued the girl I was last year. Regret and shame were the feelings she woke up with in the middle of the night. She was broken, and she knew it. This is the girl I was last year. I say last year specifically because last year was when we moved back to the country my dad and his family was living in and I was forced to keep my life and everything that had happened to me a secret. No one could ever know the monster she was, they all were, and still I could not hate her and that made me hate myself. That was who I was lat year. Then I joined law school and I didn't make any acquaintances until the end of my first semester, I was still depressed but working out of it or at least trying to. In my defense, I hadn't had any human interaction in over 4 months so this whole trying to make friends thing freaked me out. I didn't know what to do in a social situation anymore, me the girl that wasn't afraid to read the 'news' and mock our teachers in front of thousands in the school assembly when I was freshman in high school. Now I was trembling and losing my train of thought at the very mention of saying anything in public. How could someone have shattered me so badly that they took away my entire personality. Me, that went to Turkey to sing in front of hundreds of strangers couldn't sing any longer, my voice had left me. It was beaten out of me along with my dignity, hopes, dreams and aspirations. So hopefully you understand me when I say I was pitiful. But here I was, in the best law school in my country and nobody knew a thing about me. I wanted it to stay that way, didn't want them to know me and shun me like so many had done before, like I had done to myself, but I couldn't help my nature. Deep down all I wanted was companionship, and so still I yearned for a friend, so I opened up a bit in an attempt to get my heart's desire, and I hoped. Even though everyone was so different from me and my chances seemed bleak, I hoped. I realize now that I had gotten something back, my hope, and so I struggled for strength and got that back too. Now, now being 2014, this year, I struggle for happiness, and try to stay positive. I still don't have a real friend and still yearn for that best friend, but I have a few people I can talk to who get most of my jokes. I'm still a strange person and not everyone understands me sometimes, but that's nothing to be sad about, I've grown to like that about myself. I always underestimated my self, this is something I still struggle with but I've grown to accept my strengths for what they are for example; i'm really smart, and pretty darn funny too. I don't starve myself anymore, I try to eat right and exercise. I'm not always consistent and sometimes I fall off the wagon, but I get back up and try again because i'm worth it. I value myself now, more than I ever did. I even have my own full length mirror in my room, I know i'm not perfect but I can at least be happy with myself and accept myself for who I am, and sometimes, I actually like what I see. Even if what's staring back at me is a girl with puffy eyes, messy hair, an over-sized sweater and no pants. Not the prettiest thing in the world, or the thinnest, or even the healthiest, but she's a beautiful person who knows she's worth the effort of trying to get to know and trying to find herself. So I wink at her, I smile and I wink , maybe even make a face or strike a pose, and then move on and do whatever it was I was going to do. Happiness is a journey, and a choice, so thank you twitter for reminding me that I'm 1. It's been one year since I began this journey and I have to admit, it hasn't been easy, or perfect and even though at first I don't think I entirely aware that I had begun this journey, I have the feeling that the best is yet to come, and that in itself is something to be marveled at. I know I have something to look forward to; life, and not just any ordinary life, my life, and that is enough makes me happy, which is all I ever wanted in the first place.

Carpe diem - Seize the day

In life, its the thing we don't do that always seem to haunt us. So, I'm taking a note from the dead poet's society and seizing the day (Carpe diem) living life in the now so i'll have no regrets later, being positive and focusing on what I can do now instead of what I can't. I've always loved music, so I've decided to take to take piano lessons, and maybe violin lessons after that. We need to take charge of our own and lives and accept that we are the masters of our own will and happiness. Happiness is conscious choice  and the sooner we realise that the happier we will be.
"Twenty years from you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So Throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbour, Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover" Mark Twain

JOBS

I'm reading a book called 'The Secret' and I have to admit, it makes sense to me. Living life positively has its perks. Besides, its not like a life full of stress and worry is alluring. Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep myself occupied; I did some shopping yesterday and I'm planning to go for a movie on Friday. I misjudged this movie and thought it would be boring but its really not, I watched the trailer and its absolutely amazing! Enough suspense, its called JOBS and it seems like its pretty inspirational and interesting too. I'm completely in love with it, and I'm practically itching to watch it but sadly it comes out here in two days, so I have to wait till Friday to go. I can't wait!!!

Alone - solus

I moved here roughly 12 months ago and I have literally no friends yet. Sure, I have people I talk to and everything but no one I can actually do stuff with.I don't even know how to get around around here, its so frustrating because sometimes I need to go somewhere and I have no idea where it is or how to get there, so I just have to dropped off everywhere if the car is available, and if its not I just stay in my room and do nothing all day. Don't get me wrong  it's not like I need people around me to survive, because that's not true. It just gets really a bit lonely all my myself, some stuff I can't even do because I feel weird around everyone else since I'm the only one there by myself and I have no idea how to use the public transportation system here, some people translate that to mean I'm a snob, I'm really not a snob, I'm new here, to this place, and to this country so that's why I don't know. Of course, I could easily tell them that, but they would ask too many questions and I don't like to remember that part of my life. So there are two possible conclusions that I've come up with; either I'm too weird to ever find a real friend and I'm destined to be alone forever, or real friends are pretty hard to find and probably overrated anyway.

The power struggle between Conformity & Individuality

How I long for some meaning in my life... Just a reason for me to wake up every morning. All I ask is for a single genuine motive, most people have so many it makes me wonder where they get the fire that burns inside them from. Or from whence they get the kindle to set it alight, I'm in desperate need of inspiration or a revelation from which I could perhaps be able to make some declaration of what my aim in life is and who I really am. I'm a fraud in my own body, an imposter parading myself with an air of certainty and feigned self confidence. Pretending to be completely cool while inside me I question my every move regretting each decision and each word that comes out of my mouth and yet time and time again, I make the same mistakes over and over again. Like a lost sheep at a crossroads who knows not which path to take stuck between following the herd and conforming or taking an entirely knew path, being independent and taking a risk, betting everything on myself.

Lingua oblítus

I believe Latin is dying, and soon it will be one of the many forgotten languages of the world, I refuse to sit back and let it die I'm making it a point to study Latin and hopefully, through this blog both share a bit of my life along with some of the language and its translation. Hopefully I can help spark an interest in this language in you. Non solum rerum, sed etiam verborum, it is not simply a spoken language but also our history